March 31, 2011 § Leave a comment
It was pointed out to me that only a few days before the past couple of troubling days came a stretch of good ones. Ones that I wrote little about because it’s easier to record the bad than explain why, inexplicably, out of nowhere, happiness hits. Superstition overtakes and I don’t want to jinx those days or curse them by explaining them away.
This is the reality of it. There are days that are written off from the moment your eyes open, days that stay fresh and exciting until the sun sets. Days you sabotage everything early on and days when you fight and fight but still lose. It’s becoming ever more apparent that what actually happens has very little bearing on how I feel about the reality of that day. Which is why writing comes in useful. Exposing those self-deceptions. Communicating what has actually happened, often against the stark reality of how that felt, makes it all a bit clearer.
The day after was sharp around the edges (tight in the stomach, sore and stale in the mouth), and yet those memories have faded too. Just as the memory of my lean body can’t quite be recalled right now. Whatever skin I’m living in feels entirely transient yet utterly immovable. This is where everything is supposed to be inscribed, but it’s not. It moves and changes, waxes and wanes, and the choice to do something positive rather than negative every day feels detached from the amount of willpower I have. The ebb and flow of feelings can’t be fought. Something needs to exist beyond that, and that’s the base rock I can’t seem to find. Occasionally, I dig down that far but often the tide pulls in and covers it up again. At the moment I can’t equate that strength with anything other than wanting the control of shedding and shrinking. Which isn’t what I’m striving for.
Another tie that binds.
March 29, 2011 § Leave a comment
Yesterday was reality. How hard it’s going to be to fight something that you can’t reason with. How much this is going to be about heart and teeth and clawing myself up out of whatever cracks in the pavement I’ve fallen down.
The dates in my notes say it’s six years since this began. In some form, it’s more like ten. Or eleven. Ever since I can recall being me, that is. Something somewhere skipped adulthood and imposed a set of new rules. They make no sense to me, even though I made them up. It’s been so long that I don’t know what it would feel like to be without them. It’s frightening that I can’t imagine being without them, but it’s terrifying to think I might never get a peek over the edge into that normality.
More than anything, I want to show up again. Be there, in my life. With love. With others. Having adventures. There’s so much to do.
Last night was a dose of reality. A bit of time travel (of which, I’ve been doing the wrong kind, lately). I felt like screaming. I couldn’t speak. There was no way out of the bind of wanting to be perfect and knowing that all my rules were holding me in. There is no way out of that space. So I split open and shook with hatred.
What I want is to speak. Make eye contact. Not have to do these things which make me want to hide.
But I’ve started to remember. What it’s like to look through my own eyes, rather than outside at myself. What it’s like to keep that focus, keep that effort. Not ask of others, but look for the solutions myself.
This morning was raw. But I was reborn again. Again.
March 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
I can’t yet stop myself from entering the tunnel and following it to it’s end.
I can keep asking: ‘Are you going to stay here with what you know, or are you going to get out and be with him?’
March 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
So I had several ideas for my next post. Several topics, all allowing me to talk about how this all feels. And relate it to stuff. (Because this doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The world turns and people come in and out of your life and you still watch tv and read and hear songs that make sense and remind you you’re not alone).
It’s not that I’ve been distracted. More, kind of, just living I guess. I mean that in the best possible sense.
It’s amazing how many times someone can tell you that x, y and z are the right things to do to make things better. Routine, exercise, fresh air, human contact, and, of course, the right foods. It’s a game of dominoes and rarely do the chips line up in the right order.
Thankfully, a couple of days of sunlight has done all the hard work for me this week. It’s easy to believe that this is all it takes. That I’ve imagined the last few months or that they’ve been due solely to the dark nights and frozen pavements.
It’s more than that, but on days like these, it’s easy to forgive an ice cream (or at least hula hoop until you don’t care any more).
March 22, 2011 § Leave a comment
Much like the process of quitting smoking, starting again with eating habits takes a while. Having made the decision to change, it takes days, weeks, endless hours, minutes and seconds, to live through the same frustrating actions in the knowledge that they are wrong before finally something shifts.
In the past couple of weeks Spring has started to rear its head out of hibernation and my motivation has been woken by the chinks of light let through. For a long time, there has been a long way to go. I’ve not been moving, not been eating right, not been doing the things I know make a difference…and wondering why it’s not been clicking into place.
Slowly, those things are coming together. The knowledge that I can’t power through on the wrong energy. Padding things out to protect myself is less and less appealing.
But slowly. There’s a lot that needs recalibrating. The craving for something better than a craving is, at least, growing.
In the meantime, there’s a lot to be said for some irrelevant advice:
IF YOU FIND YOURSELF PLAYING HARD TO GET, DON’T PRETEND TO BE BUSY. JUST BE BUSY.
So that’s what I’m trying to do when those cravings come calling. Sometimes, just sometimes, I can convince them I’m not home.
March 20, 2011 § Leave a comment
Although we have awakened to original nature, beginningless habit energies are extremely difficult to remove suddenly. Hindrances are formidable and habits are deeply ingrained. So how could you neglect gradual cultivation simply because of one moment of awakening? After awakening you must be constantly on your guard. If deluded thoughts suddenly appear, do not follow after them. Then and only then will your practice reach completion.
Zen Master Chinul, “Facing the Heat”
Few people of attainments take easily to a plan of self-improvement. Some discover very early their perfection cannot endure the insult. Others find their intellectual pleasure lies in the theory, not the practice. Only a few stubbrn ones will blunder into the desert of mortification and reward.
Patrick White, Voss.
I was hit by a craving. I let it succeed, thinking that ‘disaster management’ was enough. But the craving did not satisfy anything. And when it was over, I was not sure what I was hankering after.
March 20, 2011 § Leave a comment
Yesterday the sun shone bright enough to show the contrails in the sky. Sunshine reminded me of the days of feeling light and energetic. The bugs in my system were illuminated as temporary.
This morning I woke at dawn, with the birdsong, even in the middle of the city. My body had craved the light. My body had woken, responding to light. My body is telling me to stop still for another day, at least.
Somewhere underneath all I’ve tried to teach it wrongly, my body remembers these things. It’s time to help it reset.