March 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

Yesterday was reality. How hard it’s going to be to fight something that you can’t reason with. How much this is going to be about heart and teeth and clawing myself up out of whatever cracks in the pavement I’ve fallen down.

The dates in my notes say it’s six years since this began. In some form, it’s more like ten. Or eleven. Ever since I can recall being me, that is. Something somewhere skipped adulthood and imposed a set of new rules. They make no sense to me, even though I made them up. It’s been so long that I don’t know what it would feel like to be without them. It’s frightening that I can’t imagine being without them, but it’s terrifying to think I might never get a peek over the edge into that normality.

More than anything, I want to show up again. Be there, in my life. With love. With others. Having adventures. There’s so much to do.

Last night was a dose of reality. A bit of time travel (of which, I’ve been doing the wrong kind, lately). I felt like screaming. I couldn’t speak. There was no way out of the bind of wanting to be perfect and knowing that all my rules were holding me in. There is no way out of that space. So I split open and shook with hatred.

What I want is to speak. Make eye contact. Not have to do these things which make me want to hide.

But I’ve started to remember. What it’s like to look through my own eyes, rather than outside at myself. What it’s like to keep that focus, keep that effort. Not ask of others, but look for the solutions myself.

This morning was raw. But I was reborn again. Again.


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