April 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’ve always been a fan of sleeping through trouble. It was noticeable in that last summer in Berkshire, and it was noticeable last night. I wanted out at about 3pm, truth be told, but I stuck at it and tried to steady things out before I leapt headfirst at tomorrow. Today. It’s cooler this morning, enough for a jumper, but I still stuck my sleepy head out of theĀ  window whilst I was still lying in bed. Getupgetup, breathe it all in.

Yesterday, I got really really scared. This thing grew and took over and it came out of shadows I hadn’t been watching because I thought I’d been doing so well. It’s a myth to think that I’m not in control, but it’s still a shock to be surprised by something so deep inside me that I can’t even see it clearly.

After the first step, there’s no backing out until the logical (ha) ending. It just so happens that the first step has changed. It’s less conscious than it used to be. Sadly, the outcome was the same, yesterday. When I needed to be somewhere and I needed to be my best self. Which is just like last time, really. I couldn’t stand the uncertainty of waiting to get there.

And so, I was sick.

The hardest thing about yesterday was not that I had failed. I went to where I needed to be and did what I needed to do and I did it well. Somewhere, I also know that I wasn’t just play acting. Some of that was real. The hardest thing was not writing myself off. Not slashing all my tyres and giving up entirely. It would certainly be easier to accept a bad day if I felt that I deserved it or it was the only way to be. But I know it’s not. The hardest thing was carrying on and trying to be kind to myself for the rest of the day, in the knowledge that it was deeply imperfect. Trying to forget that another taste was off the list and the damage that was done.

I went back to scratch, made pizza and put off that lovely relief of going to bed, falling out of that sad, imperfect day, and waiting for a new one to come.

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Square one.

April 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

I want to write about this but what is there to say? I’ve been bingeing more that I have in the last two years and I have less control over it than ever. I can’t recognise it coming any more. Another good day will come. But days like this make me want to give up.

Fluttering thoughts

April 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

The best wisdom I’ve heard in a while came from an Amish teenager.

(Given that I am currently getting a lot of help from this book, and a man who looks like he has trouble dressing himself, I’m heavily reconsidering which sources I’m listening to)

Anyway. Back to the wisdom.

You can’t control a bird landing on your head. You can control whether it builds a nest there or not.


It’s gradually coming together. What I need to do. I’m still scared of making The List of what I’m going to stick to and what I’m not but I am, at least, writing. And that was the first goal.

When those thoughts come into my head, I’m starting to recognise that they’ve come uninvited. In fact, I’m starting to tell the difference between when they’ve snuck in because I left the door ajar or when they batter the door down with fear.

But I promise that I’m not letting them nest.

Next, a list. I promise that, too.

Vision

April 24, 2011 § Leave a comment


Seeing clearly is always a problem. Reading around is a double-edged thing, sometimes it’s a focus and a magnification and a crystalisation. Sometimes it’s a lead down a damaging path in someone else’s territory. I’m still scared of writing for that reason, among many others.

There aren’t a lot of things that are coming to me at the right moment- that elusive blink-of-an-eye when you can still change your actions- but one thing, probably the most crucial thing, that is finally coming through, is that that moment is at least a choice. I may still be choosing badly most of the time, but I’m starting to remember that this isn’t the only option. Which, in itself, is such a relief.

Still, it’s worth having something to focus on, when you can’t see what’s in front of you. I’m re-drawing my rules and trying to keep open to trying some new things out. Let’s face it, what I’ve already tried isn’t working so well.

But before I get to the rulebook, it’s worth remembering that everything looks just as it should, if only you can tune into it.

Lost

April 22, 2011 § Leave a comment

Out of a fog, good things happened yesterday. I have as little grasp of where they came from as where the fog came from or went to. It fluttered in and out of my day, moth-like and persistent. The space in the house give is room to breed and to grow, but that space will help to break this funk too.

The last couple of weeks have been a magical mystery tour of the corners of my brain that I don’t have a handle on. Much as I would like to, I have little idea of what lurks in there and when it comes out to play, I have no idea what the game is. It used to be that I knew the rules. These days, I find myself in places I can’t understand and it’s frightening.

Just as somehow I got a handle on the old games, it’s a case of learning the new ones, even if I’m tired and I thought I wouldn’t have to do this again. That’s not a fight I can win.

Yesterday, something small, which was grating on me immeasurably was lifted. A lucky break out of nowhere. I hope and touch wood and count the superstitions I can abide by to make it work out. One little change to show me that I can do this.

Synaesthesia.

April 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

Hot sun, listening to Kate Bush, The Red Shoes (sat on a bench in Madrid, waiting).

The smell of Starbucks (wandering Boston, late at night).

Headmaster ritual (talking about love with a man intent on hating me).

The smell of trees as I whizz by on my bike (last summer, feeling the best I ever have).

Lots of reminders today, but trying not to filter out the good things.

The Red Shoes

April 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

‘Sadism is […] the insane dialogue of love and death in the limitless presumption of appetite.’

– Michel Foucault, Madness and Civilization

Where Am I?

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