April 10, 2011 § Leave a comment
As weeks go, it’s been less than perfect. I tend to describe these times as atypical but the reality is that there is no typical. The only habit that I had got into was one of hiding what was going on. Being honest about this requires me to say that today was Not A Good Day. And I tend to say this most days.
What that means is that I struggled. Right now, I have to come to accept that even struggling with my decisions and questioning them- all of them- is actually progress. Questioning is progress. Even making wrong decisions teaches me something.
The thing that I’m struggling with the most is not that I am engaging in struggle. Accepting that this messy process of right/wrong, love/hate, forgiveness/bitterness is actually progress. The difficult thing to realise is that when I am feeling better about all this, it won’t be perfect. Perfect will be more restriction, unforgiving and disappointment in myself. Getting out of this is going to involve finding a way to accept what happens as my own choice and deal with that rationally.
At the moment, it’s hard to admit that I just want to be thin.When things come up that scare me, I hide behind the layer I hate. I’ll be more…when I’ve lost… I’m not doing that today because of the way I feel (It’s not really about doing things because you feel like – and yet it is). The eternal bargaining chip. Two halves, entirely unrelated. It’s a question of separating them.
However I prize this all apart, I must not expect it to be perfect.