April 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’ve always been a fan of sleeping through trouble. It was noticeable in that last summer in Berkshire, and it was noticeable last night. I wanted out at about 3pm, truth be told, but I stuck at it and tried to steady things out before I leapt headfirst at tomorrow. Today. It’s cooler this morning, enough for a jumper, but I still stuck my sleepy head out of the  window whilst I was still lying in bed. Getupgetup, breathe it all in.

Yesterday, I got really really scared. This thing grew and took over and it came out of shadows I hadn’t been watching because I thought I’d been doing so well. It’s a myth to think that I’m not in control, but it’s still a shock to be surprised by something so deep inside me that I can’t even see it clearly.

After the first step, there’s no backing out until the logical (ha) ending. It just so happens that the first step has changed. It’s less conscious than it used to be. Sadly, the outcome was the same, yesterday. When I needed to be somewhere and I needed to be my best self. Which is just like last time, really. I couldn’t stand the uncertainty of waiting to get there.

And so, I was sick.

The hardest thing about yesterday was not that I had failed. I went to where I needed to be and did what I needed to do and I did it well. Somewhere, I also know that I wasn’t just play acting. Some of that was real. The hardest thing was not writing myself off. Not slashing all my tyres and giving up entirely. It would certainly be easier to accept a bad day if I felt that I deserved it or it was the only way to be. But I know it’s not. The hardest thing was carrying on and trying to be kind to myself for the rest of the day, in the knowledge that it was deeply imperfect. Trying to forget that another taste was off the list and the damage that was done.

I went back to scratch, made pizza and put off that lovely relief of going to bed, falling out of that sad, imperfect day, and waiting for a new one to come.


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