Up and Down

May 6, 2011 § Leave a comment

Up and down, up and down. Such great intentions. So. Much. Hope.

So much went right today, so much went wrong. I’m in full-blown slashed tires territory tonight. But I can’t even see that right now. At this moment, I may as well be looking outside in on someone entirely different. I don’t feel the triggers of today. It’s these days which are really dangerous. There were triggers. Big ones. Not getting enough done. Feeling the space of doing something right and really not know what to put in that space. Thinking of those people who make my skin crawl and make it not my own.

So I blew it. I know where I am when I fuck up. I’m exactly where certain people expect me to be. So the truth is, I had a bad day. And because I’m not upset, I know it was really, really bad. I don’t even care. I’m not really thinking about the bounce. Not really thinking about everything I learned this week. If I was to swim through the blankness of my brain to arrive at a thought, I would remember walking, for an hour, somehow obsessed with the same old fear that I will bump into someone I don’t want to. That I lose it, let out all my anger and shout, hit and cry in the street. It’s what I would want to do because I never got the chance. It’s not that I didn’t feel it. It just didn’t go anywhere. All that hate is still in here. And I hate that more than just about anything else. I don’t want to care so much for the hurts of the past. I certainly don’t want them to be part of a very special present. But they crept in. It was all true. I gave up.

Down the rabbit hole again.

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