May 9, 2011 § Leave a comment
I had moment yesterday. Yes, another. Brought by the most honest, wonderful person I know. In our conversation I realised that I wasn’t trying. Recognising what’s been going on and trying to identify some of the steps to get me out of this problem have been my main occupation over the last few weeks (months) and yesterday I realised that I just wasn’t trying. I have been taking the easy route, identifying problems and running scared, learning to explain problems and blame them on things I just can’t get past, whithout acknowledging that I really can. If I try.
Frustrated, I went for the first run since my last injury and took some steps to starting again. Having to stop running meant the loss of a very necessary release. The loss of something that I had wanted to define myself as. The loss of the only thing I knew could pull me out. Yesterday, I dropped all of that and prepared myself for another tear. I prepared myself to be out of breath by the end of the street, to be in pain and spasming a couple of steps in. To have really lost something. But I set out and gradually, my body remembered. Speed and distance were set aside and I enjoyed just being able to do a little.
Okay, so I might be back to square one with speed and distance, but knowing that my body has remembered and will remember how to be fit, if I do most things right, is a revelation. I don’t have to be perfect and run every day and be rail thin. Knowing that I can cover some ground, spend half an hour out of breath after a month off, know that my body wants to relearn how to do this, well, that’s incredible to me.
Forgiving myself, just a little, was the first little step in learning to love myself. There’s no denying that sometimes I’d love someone else to be able to love me enough so that I don’t have to. But it doesn’t work like that. I need to be on my own side. And I’m going to do that if it kills me because I will not let this stop me.