A beginning of sorts

May 30, 2011 § Leave a comment

If the last couple of years have taught my anything, it’s that you can’t ever start afresh.  No matter what you do and when you decide to change, you can never cut off from what’s brought you there. That’s the whole reason for starting again. Learning to change direction in the middle of something is never easy but is just as good as the idea of beginning again.

So. In media res it is.

It’s been a very strange couple of weeks of hard, hard work. Deadlines, volunteer assignments and my part-time job did me in and instead of resting, flu knocked me out of the game for a full week. I’m back on the mend but all that time laid up staring at the walls (and The Wire) gave me ample time to think about things.

The Disordered thoughts are waning again. It’s a huge relief to feel more in control of that side of things but the flip side is becoming all the more apparent. As less space in my life and my time is taken up with those thoughts, the space they leave is gaping wide open. And it’s pretty scary. All this free time, the possibility of progress, the realisation that I am not who I thought I was (again), that’s all quite disruptive. And being knocked down with illness didn’t make things better.

I realised how much my health means to me. How much it affects every other aspect of my life and self-esteem. I realised that it really is just about choices, one after the other, and that I want to commit to making things better.

I still have another couple of months of study, work and trying to manage a life and my health. One of the reasons I came here was because I felt strong enough to use this time to change for the better. I know that I can continue with that now.

So, long story short, that’s what I’ll be trying to do here more. Make this little life, with all its flaws, glories and tiny budget, glow a bit harder. Make it fluorescent.

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