Trust issues.

June 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

Another day, another dollar. Or so I had hoped. When I turned up to work this morning, slightly sweaty from a swift twenty-minute walk in the early morning heat, I hadn’t expected to be leaving again after twenty minutes. But a miscalculation on our rota meant that I would be working from home today. Fine. That just means I get stretch more than once an hour.

Sadly, I didn’t do a whole lot more. After training myself to dedicate some serious time to the last two pieces of coursework I’ll probably ever write, my self-discipline hit the deck. And when I start to flounder like that I also start to lose all faith in myself to do anything else. Like eat properly.

A snack too early was all it took before I was in full-blown eatnoworyou’llgethungryandblowitanyway territory. Not good. Sadly this mentality followed me all day and being trapped in my room with copy to write and my back to the most gorgeous summer day known to man meant it all the harder to sit through.

Recently, I’ve found this kind of thing a less frequent occurrence but the lack of trust I show myself and my body is still disturbing. Whilst I’m still not happy with the shape I’m in at the moment, I feel even more strongly that I will not use restrictive means to control or change this. The disappointment I’ve felt when talking to important people in my life about this kind of behaviour has made me determined to never have to tell anyone that I’m not eating enough ever again. The problem with this strategy is that I have no idea of my hunger because my concept is almost entirely intellectual.

Keeping my meals/snack planned is something that’s been suggested to me as a means of training my body that it doesn’t need to binge, but it also means that I’m petrified of feeling hungry. Properly hungry. I start to think about the times my body has betrayed my good intentions. When I’ve keeled over and passed out. When I’ve overeaten to fill and hunger I don’t know how to deal with. When I’ve fed continued hunger for months and months until I’ve realised I’m Big again. All in all, I don’t like to let myself get into this dangerous territory of hunger.

Discovering exercise has given me a sense of my own appetite much more, but I’m still terrified of the days when I’m not hungry. Like today. I over-ate and ate at the wrong times because I was bored. Then because I was frustrated. Then because I wasn’t hungry in the first place. That’s a strange place to be. And not a comfortable one.

I’ve been trying to learn in all this is that my body will find healthy balance if I apply balance. I’m scared at the moment that this resting place isn’t smaller than I am right now. Or scarier still, bigger. And so I go about my old ways and never find out any different. Today wasn’t balanced so my body won’t be for another day.

Evenings, at least, are easier. I know there’s not too much longer of the day left to get through and that I can still do some damage control with a cycle and some strength work. If only my head would follow earlier in the day. It’s another thing to work on.

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