June 14, 2011 § Leave a comment

This is the smoothie I made from some goodies I was trying to transport on The Worst Train Journey of My Life. Smooshed up raspberries and soya yoghurt? Whatever, I’m making a smoothie. As soothing recoveries go, it beats reaching for the Belgian buns.

Unfortunately, it’s just not as easy as that, is it. The thing is, I’ve been wanting to get this place more ship shape and write more about what I’m doing to stay healthy in every sense of the word. But the fact is that I can’t seem to write much with conviction. It’s not the shiny happy beacon of cleanliness I’d hoped for. Okay, I read a couple of books. I’m still talking to a couple of select people and I’m committing to writing because I know it makes things better. But the reality is that my head still isn’t caught up. There are great days where I reach for the smoothie maker and there are days when I want to nosebag a box of muesli because I felt like I did everything right/ wrong/ cannot satisfy the interminable hunger that I know isn’t real but continues to follow me (delete as applicable). That’s the truth of it. And I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

It’s not necessarily all pink smoothies over here but that’s just the way it is. I’m working on it, it will come. Okay, the good days are coming more frequently than when I started this thing, but for now it’s every day for herself. And lots of new running music. And trying to have a bit of fun with this place maybe.

But before all that. Right now, today, something I saw which summed it all up rather well:

Something that comes up for me in talking about this is that I often confuse my own fear of speaking my truth and my unwillingness to sit in that fear with uncertainty. I feel a fuzziness, not of uncertainty, but of fear. And I’m now learning to distinguish between the two in myself. I deeply desire to be willing to speak my truth, in spite of my fear, even in the midst of deep uncertainty. I’m learning that speaking my truth doesn’t have to be a final statement of the way things must be, but can be simply an expression of my current state of being.


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