June 22, 2011 § Leave a comment


They say that you should do one thing every day which scares you. What if that thing is what you feed yourself? What a sad state of affairs.

And yet, this is what I’m dealing with. The days when I sit with a meal by my side, lovingly prepared and cooked, but untouched. Because I can’t tell if I’m doing it right. Don’t get me wrong, I invariably eat the meal. But the thought process behind it is usually long, at best.

I’ve been busy lately. My instinct there was to write “pretty busy” but there’s no false modesty about it, I’ve been swamping myself. There’s a lot of good reason for this. I have a dissertation to write and a part-time job. And a deep need to pull out of a funk that’s followed me since the end of last year. And I have something of a life and a big love. It’s a heady mix without doubt, but whether things are good or bad, I am realising that food is my trigger.

By trigger, I mean it’s the guage and the key, as much as the trigger. I can guage by what and how I am eating how well I feel I am doing at all of the above things. It’s the key to how I feel about myself and the things I have to do. It’s the trigger to set me into a good or bad way of thinking.

It’s quite difficult to disentangle these things and to keep all of them in check, but I’m learning. Deciding to try and make food unimportant to my life is futile and leaves me feeling deprived. Giving it too much importance in the wrong ways leads to an unhealthy fixation.

There is a long way to go but I can feel the trigger shifting. I know that my body is not where I would like it to be, but I know that health comes first. Which means controlling the big red button that can throw me off course instantly. The first step in that is having patience as I learn what does and doesn’t set me off and then being brave about accepting my needs as they are. Without judgement from myself or from others.


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