July 6, 2011 § 1 Comment
It’s not a secret, to someone (like me) who has spent hours thinking about stumbling blocks such as this, that one of the many ‘benefits’ my disarray (‘disorder’? do I have to go there every time?) affords me is constant postponement and constant fresh starts. Much like the arsenal of punctuation in the previous sentence, a knowing use of logic can provide many a false start. And, more importantly, many a false beginning.
There are days where everything loses control very quickly. Where I feel that I eat a lot (too much) and I know that I have stepped out of the realms of control. There are other days were this loss creeps up on me. Over the course of the day, it is easy to convince yourself that you have earned a few treats. That you were listening to your cravings. In reality, it’s mostly about postponing cravings that you’re too scared of. The process of working this all out feels at times like a postponement in itself.
I’ll take better care of myself when I understand everything. I know I probably want a good night’s sleep or a run or a break, but comfort can be found quickest in swallowing it down and trying to forget.
Declaring that I will make a change is starting to feel hollow. Things are, undoubtedly, better than when I started writing but it’s very much a case of ‘just enough’. What I want ideally, is too scary to ask for. From the world and from myself.
Yet, some things are proving me wrong. So I deserve to try harder. I really do.
Another postponement. Then, maybe, another list.