July 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

I can’t concentrate today.

There are post-its covering my notebook and desk. Two bulging folders of notes and photocopying and plans and reading in front of me. More reading for fun and for writing inspiration. Self help reading. Knitting. I’m having a classic upswing.

Remembering a few months ago is difficult but I’m acutely aware that I was lost. Entirely. The glorious technicolour of what’s in front of me seems switched on again. But I’m not sure how to manage it. There’s almost too much. The possibility of doing a lot of things inadequately or not at all looms. It’s all classic stuff. The difference with this time is that I am all the more acutely aware of the circularity of it all. That this may well pass. If not to steadier times then to something lower than that. And I can’t bear, right now, to even entertain that thought.

The question I had in mind when I started this thing was ‘how are things going to get better?’ Things already have got better. Some things are finally starting to sink in.

Everyone does it differently.

It’s okay to be how you are.

There is no wrong way to have a body.

Shifts are being made. But it’s all still just enough. Just enough to be not not taking care of myself. Just enough to pull my head above the parapet and gasp for fresh air. Hence the urgency. Hence the panic.

For things to really change, there needs to be more. I’ve done these things before and I’ve fallen down again. It still needs shaking up some more. Without a different kind of challenge, how can you really know what you’re capable of? (I don’t know how much that is exactly, but I suspect it’s more than this.)


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