Looking at it differently

August 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

As I mentioned yesterday, the advice I keep getting from various sources, seems to point in the same direction. And yet, I have acute difficulty in putting it into action.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t want to let myself down again. Failure often feels inevitable. But I’m still not rid of this cycle, nor am I resigned to it. Clearly, I need to shift my thinking.

Awareness has been a problem for a while now. Several people have told me that I have above average levels of awareness about the whole thing. The hitch with this is that awareness is no longer enough for change. I no longer have those moments of  ‘OH. So THAT’S what that’s about.’ It comes, it goes, and I know it will. I’m expect the waves. In a particularly frustrating session this week, I tried to explain this.

I know, I know, I know.

And then she asked me to list five things I had achieved in my life, as a means of putting a positive filter on my thoughts. I got to number three. That’s it. Twenty four years on this earth and I could only think of three things which I counted as achievements (and even then, the reasons why they didn’t count started to backlog in my head). I didn’t quite realise until then, just how entrenched this is. When I don’t feel that I’m making progress, I forget that I can remember thinking this way for over ten years. It’s going to take some work for things to get better.

And better is what I want. I don’t accept that this is as good as I can be. Rationally, not as a weapon of perfectionism. I just know that it doesn’t have to be like this.

So the things that I have in a big mental list, which might just make things better (keep running, practice yoga, write, get out more, eat well, love) just kept sitting on the list, not getting done. Because I also know that any one of those things is not going to erase the last ten years, the time it took me to become an adult, and leave me without this mess.

So, what if I accept that it’s not going to go away. Not like that. I hope, dearly, that I can and will feel better, but this is a big part of my life. The things on the list are not going to make it go away. What they might do is keep it under control.

Trying to erase a decade of my life isn’t going to happen. Changing how I handle that part of me is possible.

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