Getting to the bottom of it

August 17, 2011 § Leave a comment

I knew it was coming. An increasingly frustrating week, unreasonable demands made of myself, a weekend on the move and then a wave of viral sickness. Nausea and emptiness is not a pleasant combination, I can tell you.

Two days of lying and sleeping and my stomach cramping around not a lot, I realised this was the third time I’ve been this sick since the start of the year that I can think of off the top of my head. My knitting sits abandoned where I left it. Same goes for the Vegan cookery books I bought in excitement. I couldn’t be bothered to take my big camera to London for the weekend. I haven’t been abroad since 2009, or on holiday for over a year.

I don’t believe in ‘click’ moments for a second. But I had a slow realisation over the weekend. I am doing this. I am grinding myself into the ground for reasons I am not quite sure of, other than not really knowing otherwise. All this might be the only thing I know but it’s not doing anything for me. I am not having fun.

So. Seriously. Hit the bottom and escape. (And I was there, that was the kind of thing I used to do when I was a teenager: run off to watch my heroes draw me to tears in then unknown cities with then unknown friends) Whatever I’ve been doing hasn’t been working. Nothing is fluorescent yet. But it will be. It’s time for more of everything. Including whatever this is.

After a night of thrashing nightmares, I awoke early and drank my way to the bottom of a green smoothie, my stomach still too sore for the usual cup of black coffee. A good way to start letting go of all those old handles I cling to so hard.

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