It’s always easier to write yourself out of the lows

August 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

A couple of good days, followed by a terrible one. (How many times have I typed that now?)

Two nights ago, I worked a very long day after a weekend of illness and found the energy to grease up my bike chain and cycle. Everything was instantly better. I slept until after seven am two days in a row. I knitted, ready my book and cut myself some slack. With these good movements comes so much resistance.

Nausea ran through me at lunchtime today. All out of energy again. You mustn’t think it’s because I’m depriving myself, I’m just worn out. A colleague asked me if I had nervous exhaustion and I felt justified in falling off the wagon.

Drifting in an out of sleep on the train this afternoon, I caught my mind falling into the same loops. Judging, chastising, chattering endlessly, endlessly. It’s a strange sensation to at once know that something isn’t true and believe wholeheartedly that it’s all you deserve.

For the first time in a long time I thought seriously about giving in wholly and cultivating illness.

It’s taking all my energy to fight that feeling at the moment and yet I can still feel that it’s wrong. It’s not what I want or need. And yet, I wish to be sucked down into it and consumed.

So, it’s easier to write yourself out of the lows. I want this all on paper (in type, e-ink) because these truths are not true, and there is so much more I am doing to cling dearly and desperately to the side of this ship. I will not sink. Not with Margaret Atwood novels still in my hands.

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