Disorder

September 14, 2011 § Leave a comment

This is how it goes.

I couldn’t eat the cookies that my friend brought over for me last night. They’re ‘bad’ and I don’t know who made them. They sit, ungratefully discarded on my kitchen counter, holding absolutely no temptation for me.

I have, however, eaten a dinner that consists mostly of my own, supposedly frozen for my own safety, cookies. They’re huge. I can’t stop at one. Or on any odd number. Except that there were five and I couldn’t leave one behind to torture me tomorrow.

So they went. ‘Went’. As though of their own accord, but, of course, it was my accord. My phantom hands that picked up what I couldn’t stop thinking about. All the time, my mind saying nonononono, and my actions doing the opposite.

This is how it goes.

Yesterday was the same. Not all out awful, but those gremlins came knocking. Chattering almost out of earshot, but not quite. So I wrote it off and this morning came. Back to work. New shoes, sunny morning, ready to start again. I was chattier than normal, mouth searching for something to fill it and distract my mind. There I was, hobnobbing away, happy at least to be out of the house. The new shoes gathered compliments from strangers, the outfit felt good. Trousers, which I always avoid wearing, felt comfortable. There were no gremlins.

Then I came home and there were cookies. After all, I’d done well today and nothing quite reminds me that under no circumstances do I deserve to believe that, than food I cannot resist. Cookies remove that worry of how long the good feelings would last. Hell, they’d probably make me feel shitty enough to not run this evening either. Or apply for the good jobs I’ve spotted. Mission accomplished. I know where I stand. Or kneel.

Really. I am on my knees with this.

The only way out this evening is to write it out, shame the devil and clear it out of my head. But is that making it stop? Evidently not. I always believed that if I could work out the thing that set it all off I could crack it completely. Again, evidently not. I can come here and proclaim that I am going to fix EVERYTHING over and over and over but that’s not helping either. So what is?

This one needs writing out on a real page before the plan is ready to read.

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