Let’s Not Shit Ourselves

October 7, 2011 § Leave a comment

A couple of days ago, this song shuffled on to my iPod as I was walking home from work. I haven’t listened to it for a very long time. Since I’m-not-sure-when. Whenever I hear it I am instantly transported to my 18th year, when I was desperate to escape my home town and leave for University.

In those days I would take a walk every evening. Looping the empty suburban streets of my home I would turn up the music in my ears safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t even see a car pass most evenings, let alone another person.

I haven’t felt as close to that determined in quite a long time. Determined to move, knowing that nothing is perfect, you can’t wait for it to be so. Sometimes the best thing is to make the first move and let the rest follow.

Yesterday I resigned from my job and today was my last day. It served a purpose but I have spent weeks arguing my worth – in quite fiscal terms- and I am quite confident that there are better places for me to be right now. And as much as I love Cardiff, it’s not helping. The tumult of the year here has made the last four months quite unsettled. That’s when I stopped even having the structure of even four hours tuition a week. Full-time work has helped, but it’s still peaks and troughs. A landscape already engrained in struggle. So, I quit. I’m going on holiday for a week. There are few plans except to switch off the phones and cwtch for my last week in Wales.

I have a job planned but not quite confirmed and by next weekend I should be in London. If not? Well, let’s not shit ourselves. Such swiftness and decision seems entirely appropriate as things have been stuck for some time. The uncertainty feels freeing. Bright Eyes is proving an apt soundtrack once again.

The parting words from a beloved co-worker today were: ‘go and be brilliant’. I told her I’d be trying my hardest.


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